


revelations

by teddylupln



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Bisexual Bill Denbrough, Bisexual Mike Hanlon, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Gen, Lesbian Beverly Marsh, Nonbinary Stanley Uris, Pansexual Ben Hanscom, Pansexual Stanley Uris, Transgender Ben Hanscom, it's mainly just abt them individually & as pals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-18 03:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12379638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddylupln/pseuds/teddylupln
Summary: in which each of the losers realize they're Not Straight(modern au)





	1. BEVERLY MARSH

**Author's Note:**

> [here's the playlist if u want](https://open.spotify.com/user/ingr-d/playlist/0wfw5eCJpp9Juf7geaRPuR)

It starts with small, intrusive thoughts. They’re nothing, really. Beverly can almost ignore them. 

 

It starts with staring at Riley Summer’s lips in third period. It’s not that Bev even  _ likes _ Riley. She doesn’t think they’ve ever said more than two words to one another. And she would never really want to date Riley, who she has _basically_  nothing in common with… Other than the fact that they’re both girls. And that small fact confuses the hell out of Beverly. She knows that girls can like other girls (of course she does), but she’s never even  _ questioned  _ if  she might herself.

 

It came on slowly. She’s been staring at girls for weeks before it really hits her, sitting in third period, that she isn’t looking at girls in the way that straight girls probably do.

 

But Bev has _ always  _ liked boys, right? Otherwise she would’ve realized this before she was a freshman in high school, right? So, maybe she’s not gay after all. She must be bi, right? Because she likes guys, she thinks. Why wouldn’t she like guys?

 

But, then again… She loves Ben and Bill. And both of them have told her that they’ve liked her at one time or another. But it just made her feel awkward. It would be easier if she liked one of them, she thinks, because then she could just date one of them and ignore this. But thinking about dating them, or any boy for that matter, makes her stomach sink. It’s not complete disgust, though, it’s more like resignation. 

 

And she’s always thought that she could end up with a boy. Because _what else could she do_ , right? But after only a few weeks of high school, she knows that she will never be happy dating boys. 

 

She watches two senior girls at a lunch table on the other side the room hold hands. It’s such a small thing, but she looks for them every day, and every day that she sees them, she feels infinitely better. Her heart soars with happiness. Seeing them doing something as simple (as brave) as holding hands makes Bev realize that  _ this  _ _is exactly what else she could do_.

 

She comes out on a Friday. It’s been a month since school started, and she’s seen the two senior girls hold hands for twenty lunch periods. She’s known with certainty that she likes girls for about ten of them. She’s known she’s a lesbian for about five of them.

 

She doesn’t wait long once she’s sure to tell the others. After she comes to the conclusion, it’s practically bursting from her every time she sees them.  So, when Bill asks if anything interesting happened that day at school, Bev answers.

 

“Well, I’m a lesbian now,” she says. As certain as she is, she can still hear a slight unexplainable quiver in her voice. She isn’t worried about the others judging her, and she knows with certainty that this is the truth. A weight has been lifted from her shoulders and she can finally _breath..._ and yet her heart’s still beating out of her chest.

 

The boys all smile, some sooner than others.

 

Richie gives her a high five. 

 

Mike tells her how happy he is for her.

 

Ben says he hopes that it didn’t seem like he was trying to pressure her into something by telling her that he liked her. And Beverly assures him that it never did. 

 

“Guess that explains the hair, then,” Richie jokes, because of course he does. And they laugh, and Bev can't disagree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i just wanted to say a few things here
> 
> 1 - thank u to anyone who read this!! ben's coming (out) next :^)  
> 2 - I'm bi so although I can relate to a lot of what I wrote here, I know I can't completely since I'm not a lesbian. If ur a lesbian & have an issue w something I wrote pls leave a comment & I will definitely try to fix it to make it more accurate  
> 3 - I've seen quite a few ppl saying they can't see bev as a lesbian bc she seems interested in boys in the book/movie (which is fine if u think that!! I personally can see her as bi too) but I chose to write her as a lesbian in this which I think is rly important to understand how everything in canon can b true, but she can still be a lesbian.. when i ever write or talk abt bev being a lesbian, something that's rly important to me for her experience is compulsory heterosexuality (which basically means that "heterosexuality is assumed and enforced by a patriarchal society" -wikipedia) to me, this means that in bev's case, she genuinely thinks that she likes boys! for a long time! & probably pursues them & stuff... like I said, I can see her as bi too, but lesbian bev is v important to me and close to my heart since I think compulsory heterosexuality makes A Lot of sense for her idk !!
> 
> anyways hopefully u enjoyed reading! if u did, maybe leave a comment bc that makes me feel rly happy & more inspired to write :^)) thanks again for reading!!


	2. BEN HANSCOM

Sexuality had never been a huge deal to Ben. He had always kind of known, in the back of his mind.

 

But the main reason that it had never been as big of a deal as it might have been was because people always seemed to care more about him being trans than they did about him being pan. They thought of his sexuality in terms of him being trans. They’d ask, assuming he was straight, if he had thought he were gay “before” (whatever that meant) or if he had changed his attraction to fit straightness. And even when they asked, they rarely really understood it. So Ben hadn’t gone out of his way to tell anyone.

 

He had known he was a boy his whole life in the same way that he had known that he was pan, in the back of his mind, his whole life. It only came to the forefront in fourth or fifth grade, soon after he told his parents that he was a boy. And, luckily, they had been great about it, better than most. 

 

So after that, telling them that he might end up having a crush on someone who didn’t fit the ideal of straightness wasn’t quite as fear-inducing as it might have been. He knew they wouldn't do anything drastic about it, and he had been fairly confident that they would support him wholeheartedly. His hands still shook, though, when he did end up telling them a few years later.

 

Ben had never felt like he would need to tell his friends unless he started dating or crushing on someone who wasn’t a girl, though. Until Beverly comes out, and he realizes that he  _ wants _ to tell them, regardless of whether or not he  _ needs _ to.

 

So he comes out just hours after Bev does. He texts the others at 7:14 that same Friday night.

 

**Ben:** Hey guys :)

**Richie:** benny boi!

**Bev:** what’s up?

**Ben:** I’ve been thinking since we talked and I just wanted to let you all know that I’m pansexual, which means I could like any gender.

**Bev:** aw ben!! that’s great buddy!

**Mike:** ^Thanks for telling us, man :^) I’m proud of you guys

**Bill:** ^^!! 

**Stan:** Hey, ily guys :’)

**Richie:** aw who knew stanley had a heart

**Stan:** *Except Richie

**Richie:** :-(((((((

**Ben:** Thanks guys :)) ily all too (even Richie ha)

**Bev:** rt^ <3 

**Bev:** two in one day… damn who’s next lol

**Richie:** my money’s on eds… we all know he’s harboring a secret love for me

**Eddie:** what the hell richie im not gay

**Richie:** surrreeee ;-) ur just jealous of mrs k

**Eddie:** i’m straight, asshole.. also call me eds one more time… i s2g

**Richie:** oo was that a challenge? 

**Bill:** Alright, alright, guys.

**Ben:** Yeah, how dare you steal my thunder with your banter :P

**Mike:** So when did u realize, Ben? :^)

**Bev:** ^!! yea i wanna hear abt this!!

**Ben:** I’ve actually known for a long time haha

**Bev:** can’t relate lol but !!

**Richie:** boi y didn’t u tell us!

**Ben:** Uhh idk I just didn’t rly want to at the time.. Bev rly inspired me to do it, though :)

**Bev:** aww lgbt buddies 4 life <33

**Richie:** excluded? :’((( im sobbinv… heterophobes!1!

**Bev:** once u come out u can join lmao

**Ben:** I just kind of thought that I can see myself loving a boy just as easily as a girl, so I sort of knew since like elementary school, and I figured out a label for it in middle school. :)

**Mike:** I’m actually so happy for you guys aw :’^)

 

And although Ben still smiles at Beverly’s typed-out hearts, it’s for an altogether different reason than in the past. He can’t help but grin, because he can’t believe how lucky he is to have these friends, who he knows would stick with him no matter what.

 

They continue texting into the night, until almost 2 AM, when the last of them finally nod off to sleep. By the next morning, Ben can’t believe that he’d waited this long to tell them in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! thanks to anyone who commented or left kudos on the last chapter! 
> 
> I'm cis, so I don't have any experience being trans so if ur trans and found any of this to b inaccurate or just generally had issues w how I wrote abt ben being trans, please lmk in a comment & I'll make sure to fix it
> 
> please leave a comment w any thoughts u have or if u liked it!! :^) I'd love to hear ur ideas & headcanons abt everyone's sexualities, even if it's not the same as what I wrote here! stan's up next btw! hype is through the roof tbh! (also Im so surprised I never update fics this much,,, I love this one a lot lol)


	3. STANLEY URIS

Stan is having a minor identity crisis. It started with the texts, after Ben comes out.

 

 **Mikey:** I’m actually so happy for you guys aw :’^)

 **Stan:** ^

 **Beverly:** thanks guys.. also realizing this has made me see how much we assume everyone’s straight..

 **Beverly:** bc that’s kinda y i never realized earlier i think :/

 **Ben:** Yeah, I agree. The assumption that everyone’s straight & cis is really harmful tbh.

 **Eddie:** i’ve never rly realized since i’m straight & don’t think abt it, but ya that’s rly true

 **Trashie Tozier:** ^no homo

 **Beverly:** ya! bc y should that b an assumption? like,,

 

The conversation continues, far longer than Stan stays up, but Stan can’t stop thinking about what Beverly and Ben said.

 

It’s been a week, and he still can’t seem to get the idea out of his mind. Friday nights are supposed to be for going to football games or parties, but all Stan can think about is _why_ he’s been saying he’s straight for his whole life. Because he can’t imagine _not_ loving someone because they’re a boy. And the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes there’s no reason that he _wouldn’t_ date a guy. So he’s been thinking about dating guys more and more throughout the week, and by Friday, he’s decided he is undoubtedly not straight.

 

He’s actually kinda pissed that he’d assumed he was for so long. He knows there’s no _real_ inherent difference between guys and girls. He knows girls can be hard and boys can be soft, even when they’re conditioned to be the opposite, and he knows that a person’s sex is different than their gender. He’s _known_ all of this, yet he hadn’t ever thought about dating anyone but a girl. And that kinda pisses him off.

 

He gets to thinking, if there’s no reason he should assume he’s straight, is there really a reason that he’s been assuming he’s a boy? It’s not that he thinks he’s a girl; he knows that’s not the case. But he’s just… having a hard time figuring out what exactly makes him a boy. The answer, he’s realizing, is nothing. Hence the identity crisis.

 

So, when Richie picks Stan up, on the way to Bill’s for a movie night, Stan tells him. Because he can’t not tell _someone_ about his little revelation. It just sort of comes out (pun intended), suddenly and all at once.

 

“Have you ever thought about how fake gender is?” Stan asks.

 

Richie’s eyebrows shoot up, and he turns in his seat to face Stan.

 

Before Richie can make some idiotic comment, Stan elaborates: “It’s just that there’s nothing that really _defines_ gender except societal ideals, and those are usually bullshit, so…” Stan stops himself before he can go on a rant.

 

Richie nods slowly.  “Are you saying you’re… not a boy?” He tilts his head to the side, questioning.

 

“I dunno.” Stan mentally curses how panicked his voice sounds. “Am I?”

 

Richie puts a hand on Stan’s shoulder. “I can’t really decide that for you, buddy.” He pauses. “But I can tell you, and I mean this in the best way, that no one’s gonna give a shit either way.”

 

“Gee, thanks, Richie,” Stan deadpans.

 

“Hey, I’m trying to be sincere here,” Richie says, in mock offense. “Does this mean you like all genders, though? Because I know I’m irresistible, but I’m just telling you upfront that--”

 

Before Richie can finish, Stan punches him in the arm. “Just drive, asshole. We’re gonna be late.”

 

So Richie backs out of the driveway, and they head to Bill’s.

 

Stan doesn’t tell anyone else, at least not that night, because he’s still not completely sure himself. But his crisis, for the most part, is over.

 

When he does come out for real, it’s a few months later. Stan makes sure that everyone knows that regardless of his belief in gender being complete bullshit, he would never try to force it on any of them, knowing that gender is important to them. It just isn’t important to Stan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um hello again I'm probably gonna leave a note on every chapter since I usually have things to say abt the specifics of the chapter lol
> 
> first, thanks again for reading !!! it means a lot to me asasajhf  
> second, again, I'm cis so this could b written badly pls tell me if ur nonbinary & have issues w it and I'll fix it! I relate to a lot of what stan thinks in this so a lot was based on my own thoughts/feelings, esp abt sexuality (but also gender too in some regards), but trying to put it in perspective of him so ya idk lol  
> oh also!! I kept stan's pronouns as he/him bc obviously at this point he's quite unsure, but also later they'll still be he/him bc he's just used to that & decides not to change them, so yea if ur questioning that, that's y  
> (& if ur wondering abt the changed text names, it's bc now since it's stan's chapter, it's from his phone's pov kinda so it's his contact names lol ok)  
> my boi mike's coming next !! 
> 
> lmk any thoughts abt this if u want ok bye!! thanks


	4. MIKE HANLON

Mike’s heart soars every time Stan talks about sexuality. He’s incredibly proud of Stan for being so open about it. And Mike’s been thinking… 

 

Mike’s been thinking about how his heart doesn’t race so much when anyone _else_ talks to him. And he doesn’t find himself leaning towards the _others_ when they talk, but he’s definitely noticed himself doing so with Stan. Mike  loves all of his friends, but he doesn’t find his chest bursting when he gets to be around them as much as it does when he gets to be with Stan.

 

This isn’t a new development, per se, but it’s definitely come into new dimensions since Stan’s coming out. Mike thinks that his subconscious probably realized that it’s much more of a possibility than it had ever been before.

 

Even though it seems clear now that Mike probably has a crush on Stan, he hadn’t been able to figure it out for a long time. Because those feelings were just feelings towards someone he wanted to be better friends with, right?

 

And even after Stan comes out, and Mike’s feelings seem to escalate, Mike can’t help but wonder if he actually likes Stan or if he’s just projecting onto Stan because of the coming out. But, he reasons, if that were the case, wouldn’t he think he liked Ben, since he came out first? 

 

So, Mike knows he likes Stan, and he’s mostly okay with it. 

 

He knows he shouldn’t get his hopes up, but he also thinks he sometimes sees Stan smiling at him oddly or sees Stan paying more attention to him than the others or notices Stan making jokes about them dating even though he’s never done that with the others. But maybe it’s still nothing.

 

It all really comes to a head when Stan texts him.

 

**Stan:** Hey, I don’t want to assume anyone’s straight bc it just feels gross to me, so I was just wondering if you are or not? If your not comfortable answering that’s cool too but yeah just know I won’t be assuming that ur straight unless you tell me haha

**Stan:** Not to single you out! I texted everyone individually in case it’s awkward :)

 

(Mike had kind of been hoping Stan had singled him out.)

 

Mike almost has a heart attack, and he isn’t sure if he’s relieved or scared, but he answers truthfully.

 

**Mike:** Oh! Thanks for asking! I’ve actually been thinking about it so it’s really nice of you to ask… & I don’t think I’m straight tbh

**Stan:** Cool!! Do you think you know what you are? I had kind of a hard time with that, so if you want to talk about it let me know. 

**Mike:** Uh yeah idk… I think probably kinda like what you told us about you?

**Stan:** So you kinda like anyone?

**Mike:** I think so yeah

 

They continue talking about it for hours. Mike even mentions his crush, although still avoiding a name. He drops a few vague hints, but not so many that Stan can tell who he’s talking about (he thinks).

 

**Stan:** Gtg! it’s time for dinner at my house

**Stan:** I love talking to you though thanks for being so open about it it makes me really happy

**Mike:** Ok bye!! You too :-)

**Stan:** & we need to get you together with this mystery man of yours…

**Mike:** Haha.. I don’t think he likes me

**Stan:** I bet he does!! He’d be stupid not to 

**Stan:** Really gotta go though! Bye!

 

Mike really kind of hopes that Stan’s right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like stenbrough too but there r a lot of fics for it & mike deserves love he's so rarely shipped w anyone and idk I love them together too so that's y I did that! :^)
> 
> this is rly heavily based on my own experiences w both coming out & liking ppl in general lol  
> I will forever be infinitely grateful to the friend who told me they wouldn't assume I'm straight in like 7/8th grade & that's srsly the best thing anyone has probably ever done for me?? so I wanted to put it in here
> 
> idk if it's noticeable but I'm trying to draw on many different experiences of coming out & realizing ur not straight & hopefully I'm succeeding :^)
> 
> billy boi is up next!! hmu w ur guesses & hcs for him if u want to lol I love seeing other ppl's hcs too
> 
> lmk whose experience u relate to most or smthing maybe?? or just lmk any thoughts u have! thank u sm for reading!! ily all  
> (also feel free to tell me if there's some mistake or something bc I wrote this one in one night where I had more time to spend on the other chapters since I was on break for most of those..s o yea pls lmk if something went wrong lol)


	5. BILL DENBROUGH

Bill can’t believe he’s missed it for this long. It’s been well over a year since his other friends came out. You’d think that if there were any bit of Bill that wasn’t straight, he’d have  _ surely _ figured it out by now. Bill would've thought so too, but apparently that wasn't the case.

 

Sure, he had thought about it, especially when Stan and Ben kept talking about heteronormativity. But, even when he had thought about it, he hadn’t figured it related to him. He just couldn't imagine himself being with a guy. It’s not that he was ever against it. It’s just that he knew he was straight. But then again, Bev had known she was straight too.

 

He’d been dating this girl, Emily Harding. She’s nice, funny, pretty. It’d been a few months, which were all good, great even, until the fourth month rolled around. There wasn’t anything specifically  _ wrong _ , but Bill couldn’t shake a bad feeling.

 

At the time, he’d told her that he just wasn’t feeling it anymore, but now, he’s not quite sure if that was the truth. He thinks there might be more to it than that. 

 

Bill can’t help but ponder whether he might’ve felt off about it all because he couldn’t figure himself out when he was dating someone. And he’s realized that he really, really needs to figure himself out. 

 

It’s different than how the others described it. Because Bill doesn’t necessarily feel internalized homophobia in the way that most of them described. He definitely feels it to some extent, but it’s not the same. Because the majority of his friends have already come out, and he loves them for it. He can’t be bothered with the fact that he might like guys. It’s more just that Bill has to take some time to think about himself. 

 

So, he does. After breaking up with Emily, he thinks harder than he’s probably ever thought (except for maybe during his first AP test). He thinks and thinks about it, and now it’s the end of the semester, and he thinks he’s sure. He’s realized that he couldn’t be happy dating Emily while he’d been torn up with confusion about guys. He wishes he could actually see what it’d be like to date a boy, but he knows that even without that, he’d only be making excuses if he ignored it any longer. He’s bi. 

 

And now that he’s sure, he can not fucking stand being called straight. It doesn’t seem like it should really matter, seeing as he’s been called straight his entire life, and it hadn’t bothered him until now, but it does. 

 

It happens so much more than Bill had ever realized. It isn’t that people randomly call him straight; it’s just that they assume he only likes girls. He can feel it in the bottom of his stomach when his grandmother asks him if he’s dating any girls. Or when his parents seem concerned about him hanging out with Beverly, but don’t mind when he hangs out with one of the boys. Or so many other situations.

 

But he tries to ignore it. He replaces those thoughts with thoughts of telling his friends. When he actually comes out to the other losers, and it’s wholly uneventful. They’re obviously happy for him. Bev, Bill, Stan, and Mike seem especially excited.

 

“What is this, some kind of cult?” Richie asks when they practically shriek with excitement.

 

Bev nods, completely serious.

 

“Why, you gonna join?” Stan jokes.

 

Richie shakes his head. “Sorry, Stan; I know you want a piece of this.”

 

“I have a boyfriend, dumbass.”

 

“Yeah, don’t feel too bad, Mikey. I’m just irresistible.”

 

Bill shakes his head. “Beep b-beep, Richie.”

 

At this point, Bill can’t even imagine coming out to his parents. He isn’t sure how they’d react, but he doesn’t think they need to know just yet. He can tell them when he’s ready, on his own terms. And that’s perfect, he thinks, because he has his friends, so he knows he’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is rly choppy probably I tried to edit it to make it less so but I had a harder time writing this one id k I didn't do billy boy justice tbh but o well!! lov him :')
> 
> ya boy richie's coming up next hmu w ur opinions do u think he's bi or gay (this isn't rly gonna impact what I write, I'm just curious bc I see varying hcs!)


	6. RICHIE TOZIER

Richie refuses to believe he has a crush on Eddie fucking Kaspbrak. There’s just no way. Absolutely not. Since Bill had come out almost a year ago, Richie’s joked about being straight more times than he can remember.

 

“Damn, am i the only straight one here?” he’d said just last week at Bill’s sleepover.

 

Eddie had been offended, complaining that he was straight too, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that Richie was  straight _. _ In fact, Richie had always thought he was more confident in his sexuality than most. He didn’t care when people thought he was gay, like Eddie did. And he’d even thought about being gay before only to decide that no, he definitely wasn’t. He was good with that; he loved being straight. Or at least that’s what he had thought until Eddie fucking Kaspbrak had come back from winter break looking like some kind of god.

 

Over the break, Eddie and his mom had gone to visit his grandparents. Richie had talked to him almost every day, yet Eddie had decided not to disclose the fact that he had apparently been growing out his hair in the time away.

 

Now, it’s the first day back from break, and Richie knows he’s been staring at Eddie all day. He figures he’s always known that Eddie’s hair is curly, but he hadn’t fully realized  that it was. Before, the hair in question hadn’t been all that much shorter, Richie thinks, now that he’s been staring at it all day. But before, Eddie had styled it so perfectly and precisely. Which was fine. But Richie never would’ve expected the messiness of Eddie’s slightly longer hair. Maybe Eddie just hadn’t had time to style it this morning, but Richie’s known Eddie for years and he can’t remember a single day that Eddie’s slept in, so Richie can only hope this is a full-time thing now. 

 

It’s not like that changes the fact that Richie’s straight, though. He can  _ appreciate  _ Eddie’s new hair without being gay. He’s just excited for his friend. In fact, he’s probably just staring so much because he’s jealous of Eddie’s hair. 

 

Richie ignores his thoughts about Eddie. When he finds himself staring at Eddie’s hair, he looks away in a hurry. When he finds himself smiling uncontrollably just from being near Eddie, he tells himself that he feels the same with all his friends. And when he finds his heart leaping when Eddie and him brush hands or legs or anything, he shakes the thought out of his head. He’s got it all under control. 

 

Instead, he tries to think about girls. He’s always talking so much about girls that he’s just now realizing how little he's actually thought about them and how little he actually cares about them in that way. It's just that Richie has better things to do than worry about romance, he insists to himself. But it’s hard to convince himself of that when his stomach gets all fluttery when he thinks about Eddie. But that’s not right because Richie Tozier  _ does not  _ have embarrassing schoolgirl crushes. Definitely not. 

 

This continues for weeks, maybe even months, before Richie gives up. It happens when a girl asks him out. Richie has to commend her for her confidence, seeing as they barely know each other, but he knows he  _ can’t _ say yes, even if he weren’t possibly maybe _ a little  _ in love with Eddie. So he tells her that no, sorry, he isn’t interested.

 

Richie’s not even sure when he'll be ready to come out to everyone, but he thinks it’ll be okay as long as he makes it into some colossal joke at his own expense. And as long as Eddie doesn’t treat him differently. He doesn’t know if he could handle that. But before he even worries about that, he knows he has to come out to one person first. 

 

So he bikes to Stan’s house, and they talk. 

 

“Are you going to tell the others?” Stan asks as he opens the door for Richie to leave later in the evening.

 

“Of course, Stan! How else will they understand my upcoming multitudes of jokes about being gay?” Richie pauses. “Good riddance, heterosexuality. Gay Richie is alive and thriving.”

 

Stan raises an eyebrow. “Thriving? You were in tears like an hour ago.”

  
“ _ Thriving _ , Stanley! Thriving!” Richie shouts back over his shoulder. Stan laughs, shakes his head, and closes his front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is like 100 words longer than all the others!! fdklajf idk I just rly like writing richie bc I feel like I know his character better and it's also just fun to write him lol but anyways,,
> 
> if u can't tell I love richie & stan's friendship thank u very much
> 
> also at this point some of them r kinda similar experiences bu t idk I tried to still make them different even tho a crush might b part of multiple chapters??? idk
> 
> my boi eddie's next and last :') what do u think abt him in terms of sexuality? idk I'm just interested in other ppls opinions 
> 
> anyways hopefully u like this still & if u want to leave a comment I'd cry of joy :^)
> 
> (mood of the night is richie "damn am I the only straight one here" tozier becoming richie "gay and thriving" tozier)


	7. EDDIE KASPBRAK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EDDIE: Time for the daily chant. (takes a deep breath) I am not gay, I am not gay, I am not gay. I'm gay as hell. SHOOT! I am not gay. I am NOT GAY. (screaming) I’M NOT GAY! I’M SO GAY I LITERALLY CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT! NOOOOOO!  
> [The doorbell rings and EDDIE opens the door, still muttering his chant continuously. RICHIE, wearing a mailman uniform, stands in the doorway, casually leaning against the frame.]  
> EDDIE: (looks up, startled) SHIT!  
> RICHIE: Sorry, what was that?  
> EDDIE: (screaming, tears streaming down his face) I’M NOT GAY!!!  
> RICHIE: (raising his eyebrows) Okay? What's wrong with being gay? I’m gay… And I have to say, you have a nice package. (winks)  
> EDDIE: (blushing and looking down at himself) W-w-what? M-my p-p-p-p-package?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ignore the summary it’s dedicated to u know who u are,, ur welcome ajfjfj

****Eddie has had it up to here with being called gay. He’s not against it anymore, especially since everyone else has come out, but it’s just not him. He’s been called gay his whole life, since before he even knew what it actually meant, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to him, but it is.

So when some girl asks him if he’s gay after the end-of-second-period bell rings, he snaps.

“Why? Why do you think that?” Eddie slams his textbook into his backpack and zips it up. “Would that be so bad? If I were gay? No! God, mind your own business.”

It’s only after he’s down the hall, his fists still clenched, that he realizes that he never actually denied being gay. But that shouldn’t be a big deal... he thinks his tone implied it.

Boy was he wrong. The next day, more people than Eddie can count, mostly straight girls, come up to him and congratulate him. He doesn’t realize what they’re talking about until his lunch period, when Mike tells him that everyone thinks he’s gay now.

“What the fuck? Why?”

“I don’t know,” Mike says. “But are you?”

“NO!” Eddie practically shouts. After seeing Mike’s taken-aback look, he softens his voice. “No. No, I’m not. Sorry, this day’s just been such a mess.”

Mike nods and tells him it’s no big deal.

The rest of the day goes fairly smoothly other than a few slurs thrown his way in the halls. Eddie forgets to tell the others except for Mike and Bev, who he has classes with, but he can’t be bothered to text about it. It might start a whole talk, and he doesn’t think he can deal with that right now, so he just changes into a sweatshirt and passes out on his couch.

He sleeps soundly, and when he’s woken up by the doorbell, he feels much better. He’ll clear everything up tomorrow, and it’ll all be over. He nods to himself as he walks to the door. It’ll be normal again tomorrow.

Only a few seconds after the first ring, the doorbell goes off one, two, three more times in a rush before Eddie grabs the handle and yanks the door open. It’s Richie, of course. Who else would ring the doorbell like that?

“Jesus fucking Christ, Richie!” Eddie hisses before letting the other boy inside. “What is it? If it’s anything short of you dying, the doorbell ringing was WAY too excessive.”

“I do feel kinda like I’m gonna die.” Richie runs a hand through his hair, pushing it off his forehead.

Eddie frowns, actually concerned now. Did something happen with Richie’s parents?

“What is it?” Eddie asks again.

“Doyouwan..g..twithme?” is about all Eddie can hear from the sentence (if you could even call it that) that Richie mutters.

“What?”

Richie takes a deep breath, looking more serious than ever, which makes Eddie’s heart jump.

“Sorry. I want to do this right,” Richie says.

“Do… what?”

“Eds,” Richie starts (Eddie scowls, but doesn’t say anything). “I think you’re super nice and funny and I care about you a hell of a lot and… and… um… you’re just fucking cute and your face makes my heart jump. And do you want to go out with me?”

Eddie’s eyes widen. He’d been playing with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, but now his hands fall still at his sides. His jaw clenches. He can’t open his mouth. _No_ , he thinks. _I’m not gay._

After a moment of silence, Eddie thinks he can see Richie’s heart break. And it makes his heart break a little too to see his friend like that. And it makes his heart break a little because he wishes he could just say he’s gay, but he’s not. He’s never been. He’s always said he isn’t, so he isn’t. He doesn’t want to have to agree when people assume he’s gay because of how he looks or acts or sounds. So he’s not.

Richie chuckles softly, but it just sounds more broken than anything else. “Sorry, Eds. I know just ‘cause you’re gay doesn’t mean you like me. I don’t know why I thought…” He shakes his head. “I’ll leave.”

Richie turns away, but Eddie stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s not that. You’re great, Richie. I’m just…” Eddie feels tears coming to his eyes and he blinks them away, feeling dumb and exposed. He can’t figure out why. He’s not the one who just got rejected. “I’m _not_ gay.”

* * *

 

It takes Eddie quite a while after that to find out that that was a lie. About two more years, actually. He struggles with it more than anyone else. He thinks it’s because he’s been so adamant on not being gay his whole life. It’s only in college that he realizes that by being so against it, the very people who assume he’s gay are winning in a way. At least, Eddie’s certainly not winning. So he stops lying and tells the truth: he doesn’t know what he is. And by doing that, he comes to terms with the fact that maybe he’s always been gay. He’s just never wanted to be. It took a while, but now he couldn’t be happier with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end!! it’s done!!  
> i’ve had such a good time writing this fic and hopefully u had a good time reading it :^)
> 
> sry this chapter is a bit more of a downer? altho it all ends well.. i just thought that w how i think of eddie dealing w his sexuality in this fic it made sense for him to repress it until he was at least in a new environment, like college in this case. in my mind, richie & eddie get together after eddie comes out but i didn’t want this chapter to b obscenely linger than the other ones so i didn’t write that.
> 
> pls lmk what u thought abt it!! thank u again if u read this it means the world to me :’) ur comments throughout this fic made me so happy it was the best experience ever to receive them!


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